Post Easter

Happy post easter. I had a great weekend for the most part. There was the 30th annual NA Northern CA conference in town so I went to that Thursday and Friday. It was brimming with convention twitter and excitement. The main speakers that they had were mostly lame but had a modicum of merit. They had great stories but were significantly short on the recovery part. It made no matter on the massive amounts of tattoo's and Harley Davidson's on site. Wow! My favorite part of course was seeing my friends that I've known since the beginning...'84 and '85. We all attended the Mark Lundholm comedy show Friday night. He was actually the best of the speakers that I saw that weekend! Pretty gnarly comedy, aggressive, abrasive, howling funny too. My friend Pam asked me to be her "date"! Pam has been one of those friends from the dawn of NA time that I've always liked and respected. It was cool to hang out with her. The whole time I was there I hung out with Stan. It was cool.
Saturday morning I headed out to Carson City to hang out with Steve K. Whew..that made it a complete weekend for friends. Sunday was the Easter dinner and hang out at his house. A lot of his family was there and I've known them for the past 15 years on and off. It was totally grounding and cool that I was there. I worked on Steve's computers and he paid me much to my chagrin. I told him I didn't want to be paid for what I did and he said he wanted to because he could afford it and I had done a lot for him over the years as far as computers go. I nodded begrudgingly. This morning I came in to work and read the following from my daily affirmation:

I am learning to receive-I am ready to accept my good.
I am teaching myself to be a willing and gracious receiver. Learning how to accept good is an all-important task. When someone gives me something, I will receive it graciously and not negate the gift by saying, "Oh, you shouldn't have done that!"
Neither will I avoid the enjoyment of receiving by immediately calculating what to give the giver in return.
Part of learning how to receive is accepting myself as worthy. I will begin to receive abundance when I mentally accept that I am deserving of unlimited good. If I resist or reject this belief, I will not avail myself of life's bountiful gifts.
The next time I am given a gift, I will not scrutinize, analyze, or wonder what strings are attached. These are old patterns, based on old fears. I know that life does not give only to those who deserve. Life gives only to those who know they deserve."
Yeah, really, that is what it said. Another one of those God moments.

I connected with Jennifer this weekend too. We had a long talk (well, most of our talks are long) Sunday about connecting with each other. We both felt the other pulling away. We pulled together and had an intense conversation. I thought it was intense. Most of our relationship is based over the phone due to geography. It takes patience and imagination to succor our affair. Basically (in a complicated fashion) it's a delicate relationship. It's not a boyfriend/girlfriend affair but more than just a friendship relationship. What are we? What aren't we? I want to be romantic/sexually but can't. Well I can but I can't follow through with it. It's both of ours consent to stay on this side of sex until we really discover if we want to be bf/gf. It's healthy and hard as hell! I start messing around I can get manic and bothered and take her to end of my rope. I frustrate myself and really fuck her up. Not fair. She is beautiful physically and delightful/intense emotionally, what I just adore. So it's hard for me not to ignore when it comes to kissing, holding hands, touching, hands in her hair etc.

Friday....

Today is payday. It is my first full check since January! The high cost of mental living. This weekend is the World NA Convention. Now I don't usually cater to conventions like i did 20 years ago but I had a hankering for this one. I'm glad I did. I've run into some old friends from those 20 years ago. How cool is that?! They remember Ry as a baby and today he's 21. Today, he's 21. His birthday, the 21st, full moon, good Friday...Fryday....it's so cool.

Club Head

Okay, as I write this blog, I want to discuss my bipolar diagnosis. Sure you've heard of it and maybe the media is saturated with too many stories of bipolar but it's my story that I'm writing about. I was diagnosed at 49 so that is rather late in life as far as getting diagnosed. What that means is that the behavior that I've lived with for so many years, suffered with, is or was considered normal, (normally fucked up). Now I have to sort out what is manic behavior, what is not, and what is my depression talking. There are times when I feel a little out of control, emotionally, verbally, sexually and I have to ask myself, "Is this mania?". So what if it is? Now what? Is it an excuse that needs to be looked at? Maybe it's just something I can monitor and perhaps stave off the next time it comes up. Problem is that it happens and is out there without warning and then I'm in the middle of it. Yes I take meds but I wonder how effective that is. I think what that does is prevent me from a full blown manic episode. It's the baby episodes that get me in trouble! One wrong word (I'm full of those) and it's on!
What does it mean "It's on?" Ordinary events turn into full blown life changing traumas. A woman completely crushing and sucking the life out of you for example. Missing work for months at a time for outpatient/inpatient moments. Friends bailing out on you because the DRAMA is just too much for anybody. Suicidal and 100 mile deep suffocating depression paralyzing you. Being afraid to talk to anybody, having your dog put to sleep because you just can't take any responsibility at all. Feeling post-mortem guilty for putting your dog to sleep. Speaking of sleep, what is that? What is a "good" night sleep?
I had double digit sobriety during this period and finally "slipped". It was all too much. All I wanted was 5 fucking minutes of relief from my brain, 5 minutes. I don't regret the decision but the reactions. I was hospitialized several times for overdosing, suicide attempts (lame ones) and just plain out of it. I'm surprised I survived this 2 1/2 year descent. Truly surprised.

Way toooo long

This is just a quick post to initiate my return...it's not much to return to but it's a start....still mental as hell, still having women problems...finances are shot and i'm about to be laid off...but, hey, i'm bipolar and loving it! no drama thank god!
i overdosed AGAIN last month and ended up in the ER AGAIN! after that little visit i checked my self in to the local psych center for a brief tune-up. it sucks when they all know you by your first name on the first morning you're there. not a good sign. i did it for 10 days and actually got to go back to my job. it was a ragged line about continuing employment because of all my mental "vacations". yikes.

acorndweller

i want to post the cd's in house that i have. i have to convert all of them and will post as i convert.