Okay, as I write this blog, I want to discuss my bipolar diagnosis. Sure you've heard of it and maybe the media is saturated with too many stories of bipolar but it's my story that I'm writing about. I was diagnosed at 49 so that is rather late in life as far as getting diagnosed. What that means is that the behavior that I've lived with for so many years, suffered with, is or was considered normal, (normally fucked up). Now I have to sort out what is manic behavior, what is not, and what is my depression talking. There are times when I feel a little out of control, emotionally, verbally, sexually and I have to ask myself, "Is this mania?". So what if it is? Now what? Is it an excuse that needs to be looked at? Maybe it's just something I can monitor and perhaps stave off the next time it comes up. Problem is that it happens and is out there without warning and then I'm in the middle of it. Yes I take meds but I wonder how effective that is. I think what that does is prevent me from a full blown manic episode. It's the baby episodes that get me in trouble! One wrong word (I'm full of those) and it's on!
What does it mean "It's on?" Ordinary events turn into full blown life changing traumas. A woman completely crushing and sucking the life out of you for example. Missing work for months at a time for outpatient/inpatient moments. Friends bailing out on you because the DRAMA is just too much for anybody. Suicidal and 100 mile deep suffocating depression paralyzing you. Being afraid to talk to anybody, having your dog put to sleep because you just can't take any responsibility at all. Feeling post-mortem guilty for putting your dog to sleep. Speaking of sleep, what is that? What is a "good" night sleep?
I had double digit sobriety during this period and finally "slipped". It was all too much. All I wanted was 5 fucking minutes of relief from my brain, 5 minutes. I don't regret the decision but the reactions. I was hospitialized several times for overdosing, suicide attempts (lame ones) and just plain out of it. I'm surprised I survived this 2 1/2 year descent. Truly surprised.
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